Author: Richard

Arnold has secret son. Maria Shriver has secret class.

Aside from this very subtle lulz from Wikipedia – No punchline here – just saying: How classy is Maria Shriver? i mean gead daymn. unless there is some attention whoring tell-all book or string of Oprah appearances coming up, i gotta hand it to the lady for being Dignitary of the year.

“This is a painful and heartbreaking time,” Shriver said in a statement. “As a mother, my concern is for the children. I ask for compassion, respect and privacy as my children and I try to rebuild our lives and heal. I will have no further comment.”

Schwarzenegger and Shriver recently announcedtheir separation after 25 years of marriage, but failed to give a reason for the split. The Los Angeles Times reports that Shriver moved out of the family’s Brentwood home earlier this year when Schwarzenegger confessed his paternity.

Arnold had a kid with a member of the staff and kept it a secret through 2 successful elections as Governor…wtf?

“For at least 10 years, throughout a spectacular and closely-scrutinized political career, Arnold Schwarzenegger managed to hide the existence of a love child with a member of his own household staff. Only now, after leaving the governor’s office and splitting from his equally famous wife of 25 years, are we finding out… “It’s almost mindboggling that information like this did not become public over his political career,” said veteran California GOP strategist Dan Schnur, who now teaches at the University of Southern California. “If this had come out when he was running for governor, he wouldn’t have gotten elected.” – Washington Post

How pissed off is Meg Whitman right now? The former eBay CEO spent a record $150 Million of her own money to gain the privilege of saving California from bankruptcy and she was derailed by a phony scandal that caused weeks of election-costing bad press when Gloria Alred trotted out Whitmans former maid to cry in front of cameras for money and whine about how she is illegally residing in the country, lied to the Whitmans and got fired when they found out about her illegal status.

That was a big deal for some reason, while the previous Governor hiding a love child never got uncovered?? Dude…wtf.

Meg Whitman literally did everything she was supposed to do both legally and morally and handled the release with class, saying how the maid was a member of the family and following the legal obligation to fire her was very hard and that is big news. Sitting governor hides love child and that’s only an interest tidbit mentioned after his term. this is bananas.

California would have been better off with the scandal known and Arnold only serving 1 term from the recall election and the state having Whitman win a term or two after that democrat.

Should Lazy Cakes be banned?

I first heard about this product from a Facebook status that was facepalming their existence at a gas station convenience store, but in New Bedford there is an effort to get them banned. At first glance, Lazy Cakes are pot brownies. At second and third glance, that’s what they are too. The website and label has purple smoke floating around a brownie that is obviously baked (since that’s how you make brownies. *solid pun**). The official description says it’s a “Tasty chocolate treat that brings on the ultimate state of relaxation.”

“The magic of Lazy Cakes™, the original relaxation brownie, is in its proprietary blend that includes herbal relaxation aids melatonin, Valerian Root Extract, Rose Hips Extract, and Passion Flower,” the company says.

Fall River Mayor William Flanagan ignores the obvious pot imagery, either through clever tactic taking or through extreme denseness, saying at a news conference, he opposes the product because of the melatonin inside. “Melatonin is a sleep aid. If someone wants to buy melatonin, that’s fine, but it shouldn’t be in a brownie that’s packaged to attract kids,” he added.

The makers of Lazy Cakes issued this statement:

“We have not been contacted by the Mayor’s office in regard to their specific questions about our product but we welcome a conversation with Mr. Flanagan. We created Lazy Cakes to provide adults with a great-tasting way to combat the stress associated with our fast-paced lives. Ingredients include items that anyone can purchase at any health food or vitamin store, such as melatonin, Valerian Root Extract, Rose Hips Extract, and Passion Flower. Each Brownie is clearly labeled to indicate that we recommend that Lazy Cakes be enjoyed by adults only. We encourage parents to check the label before providing this or any product to their children.” -Terry Harris, CEO of HBB, LLC, makers of Lazy Cakes.

The dude trying to ban them says bollocks to that. “Even though the product says it’s not intended for children’s use, its psychedelic packaging and its cartoon character, known as Lazy Larry, indicate otherwise,” he said.

My inclination is to sarcastically ask “since when are psychedelic’s marketed toward kids?” but I quickly catch myself with the obvious answer being “since they were invented”.

No Car? No Supermarket? Kindov a problem

A 2009 study by the Department of Agriculture found that 2.3 million households do not have access to a car and live more than a mile from a supermarket. Much of the public health debate over rising obesity rates has turned to these “food deserts,” where convenience store fare is more accessible—and more expensive—than healthier options farther away. This map colors each county in America by the percentage of households in food deserts, according to the USDA’s definition. Data is not available for Alaska and Hawaii.

(via Slate Labs – Food Deserts: An interactive map)

Prince Bieber and the Royal Wedding

Whenever I feel like killing a family of strangers and torturing them in my basement for a week, I always stop and remember that His eyes are upon me.. and I don’t…

Actually, I was thinking of a twitter screenshot I took over a year ago and wish I could find. it was of someone saying that even though Justin (I felt disgusting saying his first name just then) doesn’t know us individually, he still thinks about us and we are “always on his mind”. Haha. I cracked up in the car driving home from the Valley today thinking about that.

The Royal Wedding inspired me to articulate my view of the Biebs a lot better, so for those of you wondering what this running gag is all about: It’s that I’m fascinated that this is a thing and I think it’s silly, but also super fun. I’m not totally making fun of it, but I’m also obviously not “into” it. It’s more intense cuz Biebie has a silly name and is a teenage boy, so it’s funnier when I say I want him inside me than if I say that about Kate Middleton, but the thoughts are the same on the two. They are both cultural phenomenons that I am very much not a part of, do not understand and have more reasons why it should not be a thing than any redeeming factors – yet I like that it’s out there. I find them interesting and for all my satirizing, I don’t actually look down on people (well, in the one case: kids) who like either for real or even the people who are super-fans. In fact, I like them and think it’s super fun and I’m really just playfully joining in that fun, except not really, except really, but not really. Ja knows?

I also haven’t seen anything of either. I haven’t seen or heard any Bieb songs or videos besides One Time and part of that Baby OOOoOO thing that I dont know the name of but wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually titled “Baby O” and I haven’t seen any clips over 5 seconds of B-roll from news reports on the Royal Wedding. But I’m happy for both Princes and I like that they’re out there even if I simultaneously think it’s utterly ridiculous that they are. Make sense? maybe not. but ima tell you one time. one time. one time.

Okay, I’ll let you go now before the gifs make your eyes explode. One Time.

Michelle Bachmann is Running for President

I don’t get why everyone keeps reporting that Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann “might” enter the presidential race or that she is even “likely” to join. She is. Michelle Bachmann is going to run for the Republican presidential nomination, maybe win Iowa and then go nowhere as Huntsman and Romney flip a coin for which one is going to be the moderate Mormon who challenges President Obama in November of 2012. You heard it here first!

It’s all but definite say my sources. and if some random improv comedian in Ventura county knows this, why doesn’t the news? I was told that she got a book deal that was contingent upon her running for president. if she’s signing contracts to get paid for that book, then its not “likely” that she enters, its definite.

How is everyone so uninformed of this? Why am I seeing headlines like these on places like HotAir.com (a popular right-of-center blog owned by Townhall.com)?

Till the official announcement (coming within the next few weeks, i’m sure), we’ll have to wade through silly reports letting us know that Bachmann, Cain Have Highest Positive Intensity Scores, Poll Finds – and it’s completely useless data that will have no effect on the actual Primary results that happen a year from now.

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Update: ?6 days after I broke this news, the Hufington Post finally catches wind: Michele Bachmann In Talks To Publish Book In September?

Publishing a book to lay out one’s political values is now an established rung on the ladder most politicians feel they must climb to make a serious run for president. It’s a move Bachmann seems increasingly likely to take: Since March, the conservative firebrand has said that she might form a committee in June to explore seeking the GOP nomination, but Tuesday on Fox News she said that a decision could come sooner.

As the publishers in New York weight whether to move forward with Bachmann – a proposal first reported Tuesday by Ben Smith – one of their considerations will be whether she can deliver book sales anywhere close to the level of Sarah Palin. The fellow Tea Party favorite’s first book, “Going Rogue,” sold over 2 million hard cover copies.

Bachmann lacks the same high profile of the former Alaskan governor and GOP vice president nominee. The Minnesotan is, for example, not being represented by Washington super-agent Bob Barnett, who helped Palin secure her book deal.

Ann Coulter’s “Muffins”

What is Ann Coulter saying here that the Producers of the Fox News show Red Eye thought they needed to bleep out with the word “muffin”? Blowjob? Handjob? Cleveland Steamer? Tokyo Sandblaster? what?

Looking for answers I found that Coulter mentioned this on her website:

The link goes to this page which offers the following summary of the segment, but no insight to the mystery word:

Each of Gutfeld’s “Red Eye” panelists also added their thoughts on potential hate crimes charges. Actor and comedian Michael McDonald, formerly of “MADtv” fame, likened this horrific scene to a game of “politically correct poker.”

“To me, I don’t know – regarding the whole hate crime thing, I sort of think it is good intentions with horrible results, yet again,” he said. “And to me making things a hate crime – it’s a little bit like playing a game of politically correct poker where like, ‘I see your two disadvantaged black girls and I give a transgender girl.’”

Nick Gillespie, editor of Reason.com and Reason.tv worried the precedent set by hate crime laws erodes at the privacy of individuals.

“First off, I do think that this is the type of thing we expected from an Arby’s or a Hardees crowd – not a McDonald’s,” Gillespie said. “And also I’m sure the girls worked off the total calories of that meal. But yeah, hate crime legislation is bad because we don’t need to give cops or law enforcement more reason to pry into people’s minds and to screw with people. I mean, you see it out there. You know, they should be arrested and tried for beating somebody senseless and let it go with that.”

Finally, conservative pundit and author of the forthcoming book “Demonic: How the Lib Mob is Endangering America,” Ann Coulter had the most succinct one-liner of the segment.

“No, the beating was one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen,” Coulter said. “It’s the most disturbing on-air performance by a black woman since ‘Precious.’”

She added that the way things have progressed, we are emerged in a society where if you have victim status, you have clout and power.

Blame the Internet for Man Baby

I’ve always said the internet makes weirdos worse by making them feel okay about their disorders. a person used to have to keep their radically different lifestyles and desires a secret and not even act on them often or ever but with a way to connect with the other .04% (which could be hundreds) of people who share your fruitcakery, its normalized and embraced and the next thing you know you’re studying to be a structural engineer so you can build a giant high chair.

Update from Ashley: Initial reaction was “huh?”. But then I realized – wow – he’s really no different from many men I’ve met in my past – constant need to be coddled, drinking nonstop with a bottle before flatulating, pissing themselves, acting immature, and then shopping at Lowes in their downtime. oh… I forgot “and playing with toys” – I won’t say cars, b/c that’s okay with me, but Xbox and the like…

My 2012 Presidential Ticket Advice

The 2012 presidential election is starting early as the Republicans choose who they want to be their nominee to run against Obama a year and 7 months from now. Here’s my analysis on how each party can win and not suck immediately after their winning:

DEMOCRATS:

Barack Obama is the sitting President and thus will be his parties nominee. but what can he do to ensure his re-election?

There has been a lot of talk about him swapping out Vice President Joe Biden with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. During the 08 election, this was considered and Jill Biden, Joe’s wife, let it slip on Oprah that Obama straight up offered Biden either job for him to choose. Pundits have said this will never happen and the Whitehouse says it will not happen and it won’t. But it should. It would be a breath of newness, add excitement and make the 2012 election another history-maker with the first elected female Vice President.

He also needs to shore up his cratering support with white voters by energizing Latinos with something big before the election. I would also like to see him actually do something to help the black community and the shithole urban areas they mostly reside in and/or generally do something other than just being president and forever being the “see? you CAN do it, so quit whining about the man holding you down” example, but that appears unlikely as he hasn’t done anything yet and his approval among black voters remains around the 94% of the vote he got from them in 08 (but that’s not racist because…idk why). Sadly, this probably won’t happen, because like black voters, Democrats know they have hispanic voters in the bag and don’t need to offer anything positive as long as they offer enough negativity in convincing people that Republicans are anti-hispanic.

Cabinet appointments that should be made and changed: #1 priority should be to get in a capable and effective White House Press secretary. The Obama Administrations first Press Sec, Robert Gibbs was a disaster. I have no idea how he kept that job so long. The guy who replaced him I guess is doing okay since I haven’t been seeing him in the news like I did Gibbs with his gaffe-o-minute record, but having a guy do just an adequate job seems super lame considering Obamas effectiveness as a communicator. He should have someone in the job doing somewhere around at least half as good a job as he does himself.

REPUBLICANS:

It’s between the two Mormons, Jon Huntsman and Mitt Romney to get the nomination, and if they eff it up, then the party will be stuck with the snoozefest that is former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who will then go on to lose to Obama, in part because America is not ready to elect Harland Williams clone president of the country (remember Rocketman? lol).

Romney is smart and capable but so not people-savvy that it borders on being a social disorder and his failed bid at the 2008 nomination beat up his reputation badly. A lot of the attacks against him are wildly unfair and some are just plain silly (like that he’s not pro-lifey enough. oh please, evangelicals, give it a rest already). His campaign logo also looks ridiculously like a swath of Aquafresh toothpaste, so I’m going to give the odds to Huntsman at this point.

Jon Huntsman is basically Mitt Romney without the baggage and a few more plusses in his column. While Romney has his health care reform to deal with that, like Obama’s health care reform, required citizens to purchase health insurance (something conservatives believe is unconstitutional, claiming it is every persons right to engage or abstain from commerce without the Government forcing ones hand either way), Huntsman also reformed health care but in the opposite (ie: conservative) way:

As governor, Huntsman listed economic development, health-care reform, education, and energy security as his top priorities. He oversaw large tax cuts and advocated reorganizing the way that services were distributed so that the government would not become overwhelmed by the state’s fast growing population. He also proposed a plan to reform health-care, mainly through the private sector, by using tax breaks and negotiation to keep prices down.

He’s also a former successful business man, former 2 term Governor of Utah (Romney only served 1 term as Gov in Massachusetts) during a time when the states economy boomed while the rest of the countries crumbled, and he has the same “problems” as Romney with Social Conservatives in that he favors civil unions for homosexuals – which is the same position George W Bush and Barack Obama have on the issue, btw – although it’s extra interesting that the 2 Mormons in the race are the candidates with the most pro-gay policy history. Interesting because Mormons have been relentlessly attacked for being the reason Prop 8 (resolution to define marriage as between one man and one woman) passed in California in 2008.

A Huntsman/Romney ticket would be great in that you would get all of Romney’s positives and none of his negatives if he were on the bottom of the ticket, however that would spell death for the party as an all-Mormon ticket, though a perfect pairing would do more than piss off Huckabee supporting Evangelicals, – it would lose votes and get distractingly bad press.

If Huntsmans the nominee, I think he needs to choose between Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, Florida Senator Marco Rubio and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as his veep.

If Romney is the top half, I think his choices are the same, but swap Christie for 3rd term Governor of Texas, Rick Perry (or someone else with Social-con and Tea Party cred).

Either one of them should appoint former NY Mayor Rudy Giuliani as Attorney General and Herman Cain to…something. and pull someone from talk radio like Salem Radio Host, Hugh Hewitt (a big time Romney supporter) to be press secretary. Tony Snow was amazing – truly the best at that gig. It might be a tasteless phrase to use since he’s since passed away, but he really did kill it, every day. Would like to see someone that capable again.

Predictions:

-Donald Trump, Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin will choose to keep their jobs as media commentators instead of running for the nomination that they will not get.

-Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann runs, and Jon Huntsman I think (obviously) will run even though he’s not declared an exploratory committee or anything yet.

-Newt Gingrich will run but drop out early (UPDATE: exactly as last nights Saturday Night Live sketch depicted him doing. lol!).