Witless Protection

I’m watching this movie right now on Showtime. Unfortunately, the funniest part so far is the title.

Larry the Cable Guy plays a small-town deputy with big dreams about becoming an F.B.I. agent. Somehow, he’s banging Jenny McCarthy, who is still not past her expiration date at 36 (in real life, not the movie). She works at some food service place thing and the F.B.I. comes in with a lady in the witness protection program while Larry is there and somehow (I was trying not to pay attention) he ends up confiscating this chick from the F.B.I. guys and going on the run. So now the men in black dudes are trying to find them and Larry for some reason is trying to bang this girl who is less hott than his gf Jenny and I have no idea why. The witness protection girl is a bitch and Jenny shows no signs of being anything other than a great girlfriend so wtf?

There’s a lot of racial humor that doesn’t really make sense. Like the black F.B.I. guy orders coffee and Jenny McCarthy asks “black?”… cuz he’s black… get it?… I don’t either. Then later when Cable Guy and witness girl check into a hotel the clerk is the middle eastern lookin mofo from 40 year old virgin and there’s some references to his accent and nationalism and — why is he stealing this girl away from the government? I still don’t get this. And why is this girl the main female supporting actor when all the promo stuff has Jenny on it? And who is being made fun of exactly I’m not totally sure. Are the racial jokes supposed to be jokes?

Larry and witness girl go to the airport for some reason and have trouble with security cuz the mall-cop type TSA employees are drunk with power in a few digs at the Patriot act. Awesome humor in this scene includes noting that Larrys feet stink and then him shitting on a TSA guy? I think? They strip search him in full view so he’s nude and just covering his junk out there in front of everyone and they decide to investigate what might be a fuse coming out of his ass by a cavity search. Larry warns them that they don’t want to do that, but they do, and something terrible happens off screen to lead another employee to page “officer down!” before a smash-cut to another “meanwhile” scene.

this is what I look for in a movie. always.

While driving, Larry calls a friend and asks him to punch up the DOJ (Department of Justice) website for him. The friend asks “Dynomite Juggs?” I laughed. I wasn’t sure exactly how I was supposed to react when Larry now on the phone with someone else notes that “News travels fast – faster than Angelina Jolie adoptin jungle babies”. Really?…

The internetz says this movie was released in was released in theaters on February 22, 2008 but I never heard of it. You didn’t either? That’s odd. Rotten Tomatoes reported that 0% of critics gave the film positive reviews, based on 24 reviews.