Category: Film

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Animated Series

2 years ago I couldn’t talk about the Pirates of the Caribbean movie series without mentioning my crusade to get Disney to make a non-shitty animated series of it. Air it on ABC, air it on the Disney Channel – I don’t care. but it’s such a better way to utilize the franchise. Put Will Turner, Elizabeth Swan, Captain Barbossa, Captain Jack Sparrow and Davy Jones in an episodic endless cycle that creates and breaks alliances, introducing us to wonderful new adventures.

Well today, someone sent me this:

Coming Soon?

Unfortunately…no… The sad, stupid truth is that image above is fan art. there is no cartoon and there is no plans for a cartoon…. I am sorry to crush your dreams. Pay it forward.

The Blindside family talks about their story

I saw The Blindside a few weeks ago so naturally, like is the case with everything I take in and dont hate – i have to know everything about it possible, so here are some videos to share that walk through the true story of the Oscar winning movie. I still haven’t found out however, why it was made into a movie at all though. Did Michael Oher, who the movie is about, do something record breaking during his football career? was the book a sleeper hit on a massive scale? It’s a really nice story, but… why? oh well. it’s still interesting.

First, an interview with Michael Lewis, author of the book The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game, which became the basis for the Sandra Bullock movie. Lewis discusses what inspired him to write the book about Michael Oher and sets up the story:

Here’s a CBN piece on Michael, the Tuohys, and Tony Henderson (aka Big Tony), who helped to look after Michael prior to his time with the Tuohy family. Big Tony was also responsible for getting him into Briarcrest Christian High School:

Here are the Tuohys talking to Mike Huckabee on his weekend show:

Part 2:

Toy Story 3 pre-thoughts

I am fighting the urge to download the Toy Story 3 bootleg before I go and actually see it some time this weekend (finally, gawd). But in the mean time I’m taking the opportunity to carry over some issues I’ve been discussing about it with others:

First, we can all handle T3 with the sighs of relief via the knowledge that it won’t be the last time we see them in theaters ever. the Toy Story characters will come back to big screens in 2011 in a short skit before Cars 2.

Too bad Cars sucked. Granted though that Pixar doesnt make bad movies, so even their fails are better than Dreamworks or Fox’s best efforts, but no – Cars lacked anything epic. It’s actually one of Pixars worst performers, box office wise but the NASCAR merchandising is such a goldmine that they want to keep the characters fresh in the popculture mind.

I actually think nothing truly good should “end” if it can still be done right. I dont mind waiting. TS3 took so long because the Pixar President had it in writing that it would NOT be made in it current form when Disney planned it years ago. Originally it was the story of TS2 except with Buzz in the Woody spot – he gets recalled and the toys travel to Tokyo to rescue him. It blew so Pixar forced Disney to kill it and only relented when a TS3 script came along that actually moved the story somewhere.


I would like to see Seinfeld, Friends – even Cheers, come back every 11 years or so when legit stories to be told are thought of. I like that they’re not cutting us off entirely with TS3 so its not like the characters have died to us – just fade away.

Tapped flick claims plastic is poisoning us


Tapped is a film that examines the role of the bottled water industry and its effects on our health, climate change, pollution, and our reliance on oil.

Some of it makes me shiver in fear, some of it makes me roll my eyes in disappointment. As a youtube commenter noted on the video: “1 person in charge of regulating bottled water” well yes? i expect that, like 1 person in charge of the USA, one person in charge of a football team. I support the general need to reduce plastic waste and transporting water, but films like this need a lot of stone cold facts, not clever wording.

Princess and the Frog

Princess and the Frog isn’t nearly the heaping pile of shit it looks like it would be. Someone gave me a bootleg and I enjoyed the crap out of it. Disney returns to hand drawn animation, Broadway style musical numbers, actually developing fkking characters within a coherent storyline and flavors it with a spicy blend of humor, drama and – yeay! someone dies! – thumbs up.

Plus they can finally inject some personality into Disneylands New Orleans Square now that they have a movie that takes place there.

FrogPrince does look a lot like Prince Eric but I don’t think there’s much of a template to the Disney dudes outside this comparrison so I let it slide.

The villains had a little more depth to them as well: Lawrence didnt start out with bad intentions but was tempted into villainy which he later had doubts and regrets over and Dr Penis/Phallus/ShaddowMichaelJackson seemed to me to stay within a reasonable character profile.

I liked how there were nice people and cruel people, heart warmers and skeptics, charitable people and greedy people – of both races and it never appeared forced. you never, as you do with Pocahontas, see a jerk with X skin and know its just a matter of minutes till they balance it out with a jerk with Y skin. They even cleared the “work hard and don’t wait for handouts” + “womanizers outta settle down” + “think outside of your current view” + the all the other little anecdotes sprinkled about without sounding preachy and forced. the more i think about this movie, the more im so proud it wasn’t an embarrassing Fail.

If you have an ear for voices though, watching a dude with Goliath from Gargoyles voice doin a soft shoe (Dr F) and hearing Tigger (Ray the fly) with a Cajun accent could get distracting here and there.

Witless Protection

I’m watching this movie right now on Showtime. Unfortunately, the funniest part so far is the title.

Larry the Cable Guy plays a small-town deputy with big dreams about becoming an F.B.I. agent. Somehow, he’s banging Jenny McCarthy, who is still not past her expiration date at 36 (in real life, not the movie). She works at some food service place thing and the F.B.I. comes in with a lady in the witness protection program while Larry is there and somehow (I was trying not to pay attention) he ends up confiscating this chick from the F.B.I. guys and going on the run. So now the men in black dudes are trying to find them and Larry for some reason is trying to bang this girl who is less hott than his gf Jenny and I have no idea why. The witness protection girl is a bitch and Jenny shows no signs of being anything other than a great girlfriend so wtf?

There’s a lot of racial humor that doesn’t really make sense. Like the black F.B.I. guy orders coffee and Jenny McCarthy asks “black?”… cuz he’s black… get it?… I don’t either. Then later when Cable Guy and witness girl check into a hotel the clerk is the middle eastern lookin mofo from 40 year old virgin and there’s some references to his accent and nationalism and — why is he stealing this girl away from the government? I still don’t get this. And why is this girl the main female supporting actor when all the promo stuff has Jenny on it? And who is being made fun of exactly I’m not totally sure. Are the racial jokes supposed to be jokes?

Larry and witness girl go to the airport for some reason and have trouble with security cuz the mall-cop type TSA employees are drunk with power in a few digs at the Patriot act. Awesome humor in this scene includes noting that Larrys feet stink and then him shitting on a TSA guy? I think? They strip search him in full view so he’s nude and just covering his junk out there in front of everyone and they decide to investigate what might be a fuse coming out of his ass by a cavity search. Larry warns them that they don’t want to do that, but they do, and something terrible happens off screen to lead another employee to page “officer down!” before a smash-cut to another “meanwhile” scene.

nakedlarrycableguy
this is what I look for in a movie. always.

While driving, Larry calls a friend and asks him to punch up the DOJ (Department of Justice) website for him. The friend asks “Dynomite Juggs?” I laughed. I wasn’t sure exactly how I was supposed to react when Larry now on the phone with someone else notes that “News travels fast – faster than Angelina Jolie adoptin jungle babies”. Really?…

The internetz says this movie was released in was released in theaters on February 22, 2008 but I never heard of it. You didn’t either? That’s odd. Rotten Tomatoes reported that 0% of critics gave the film positive reviews, based on 24 reviews.

Why the Dark Knight Sucked

Just a quick summary to hold you over until a detailed essay and companion video or two are released:

instead of messaging me and yapping on my comments about how dumbfounded you are that anyone couldn’t be in love with this garbage of a movie – my criticism is not of it as a “film”. only as a batman film. as a crime drama/psychological thriller, it was pretty decent and fun with some clever and cool parts that i enjoyed. as a batman movie it was shit.
WHY? because this “interpretation” is more of a “reinvention”. it doesn’t add and subtract things from the characters to fit a specific narrative – it trashes the source material and completely rewrites the villains personality, history, mannerisms, thought processes, approach to crime, criminal philosophy, and relationship to each other.

To fully understand why this matters ladies – imagine if the upcoming Twilight movie did that… exactly. you’d be squirting yourselves with rage.

so chill out if you liked the movie and don’t care about batman. but a thousand shames be upon you if you call yourself a batman fan and think this movie was a respectable addition to the legacy.

[Picture temporarily unavailable]
this guys shitty makeup and costume is actually better than Ledgers

here is the breakdown:

Gotham City: mediocre
Mobsters: mediocre
Bruce wayne: mediocre
Batman: 50/50 crappy/good representation
Gordon: great
Alfred: great
Harvey Dent: terrible
Two-Face: terrible, with the exception of him looking great
Joker: unforgivably terrible in every way possible. Awful times a thousand plus one. shares 100% of nothing with the character in any part of its history (besides killing people and robbing banks, but they don’t count).

Those are the 9 main “characters” of the movie and 3 are yawn worthy, only 3 managed to get it right and 3 were truly terrible.

THATS why it sucked.